Working with "Crazy"

How many of you have worked with someone who, after they left your life, it felt like a wrecking ball had come through? We’ve all had some wonderful, shall we say “learning opportunities”.

Here’s a story for you. 

A woman was approached by a man to be his business partner. He was charming, handsome, talented, and an excellent instructor. Since this was a business in the health industry that she was passionate about, she decided to get involved. She noticed some red flags with him, but she had worked with difficult people so she thought she could manage it. And she made sure that she was 65% owner, so she had control, right?

However, challenges arose quickly. If another instructor started to do well, he would change their schedule and undermine their success. He couldn’t have another instructor outshine him. As you can imagine, this was not great for business. It limits your growth when your lead instructor sabotages how well the other instructors can build their classes.

Unfortunately, things got even worse. She started hearing reports of him sexually harassing and injuring students. One friend jokingly remarked after attending his class, "I think I might be pregnant”. On top of this, he started stealing from the business.

Realizing her money and her assets were at risk, she faced a difficult truth: despite being passionate and her desire to do good for the customers,she simply could not continue under these circumstances. She attempted to resolve the issues. She tried logic, reasoning, the silent treatment, yelling, screaming, even getting his wife and mom involved, whatever she could to get him to stop the inappropriate behavior. But in his mind, these things didn’t happen. It wasn’t his reality. He was a narcissist.  Narcissists can’t be wrong. Their egos simply don’t allow it. They recreate reality and believe their own version. That’s why it is so hard to read a narcissist for what they are, because they believe what they are saying, even if it’s completely unrelated to the truth.  

Here’s a description of a narcissist I think is helpful.  “When you are on the other side of an argument with a narcissist, you enter a dangerous territory where human decency does not exist. Narcissists see themselves as the winner of every argument. They see you as the loser. You are always wrong. They fail to recognize the actual reality and inherent truth of the situation. There’s no truth, no forgiveness, and no admission of guilt. It’s Russia versus Ukraine, and you are Ukraine.”

Once she realized the situation was not going to improve, she had to do something. She decided to fire him and his wife—both instructors at the studio—who accounted for about 50% of her volume. With $12,000 in rent payments looming over her every month, she knew losing this volume would be painful.

She knew firing him would be messy, but what unfolded turned out to be worse than she could have imagined; it felt like a bad movie, the lengths he went to harm her and the business were so unbelievable. He had people stand outside the studio with signs denouncing the business. He called all of their instructors and employees—sometimes even their parents—spreading lies about her. He deceived the bank so they closed the businesses account, right after she wrote payroll checks, forcing her to write personal checks to all the employees instead. He sent out mailers filled with more lies to their customers. All of this was illegal.

His last words to her were chilling: “You better watch your step, you stupid fucking bitch”. For safety, she had her mom come and stay with her. At one point, he even attempted to have her mother arrested on trumped-up trespassing charges. While these actions were clearly unlawful, how could she stop him? She was already stretched thin trying to keep the business afloat by covering shifts left by departing staff and communicating to customers that the business was still viable. It was rough. 

So, this is my story—my business partner was my life’s wrecking ball. I was exhausted from covering all the hours—the studio opened at 6 AM and closed after 8 PM—and so stressed I felt sick. I knew I had to fix this mess.  And, of all things, this was a yoga business. 

Faced with leases that could not be abandoned, I did my best to practice what we preach in yoga. I turned inward—self-reflection, meditation, and even a little prayer—even though I don’t adhere to any particular religion; I believe in my version of God or universal spirit. 

Three key realizations emerged from this process:

1. Clarity on legal action. Should I pursue legal action against him? Pursuing him legally, regardless of the outcome would mean enduring another year of emotional turmoil. He had no assets so, best case I would win the suit and possibly protect someone else from falling prey to his narcissistic behavior.  

After much reflection, I chose not to do this but instead focus on disentangling myself from our business relationship as quickly as possible and simply accept any related financial losses . 

2. Clarity on the business. The second choice was whether to close the business today or continue to slog through this mess and try to turn it around.  Several times, after I fired him, customers had come in and yelled at me, telling me how awful I was for letting him go. They didn’t know all that he had been doing so they thought he was charming and wonderful. It wasn’t necessarily their fault, but it was difficult to be in that position. 

I actually prayed for some kind of sign on this. The next day a woman came into the studio. Whether you believe in any kind of God or not, it was an interesting coincidence. She and her husband had also gotten into business with my partner, an Indian restaurant downstairs. I was sure she was going to yell at me for what I had done as well, but instead, she walked up to me and gave me a big hug and said,”Hang in there. He’s doing the same things to me that he’s done to you.” Apparently they were also struggling to work with him and he was berating and belittling her. Decision made, I stayed in business. 

3. Compassion. The third thing that came up was compassion.Through meditation, I began to feel compassion for him despite his actions. As much as he is not a good person, he cannot help being who he is—living a life where he can never be wrong, where he has to undermine and put down others to prove he’s right or better. That’s not an easy life.

This realization was a relief. I could see him clearly, forgive him, forgive myself and move on. 

What are the learnings, the takeaways from an experience like this? 

We are stronger and more resilient than we ever imagined. Narcissists will attack your weaknesses as a means of elevating themselves; however, it's merely to protect their egos. Not a true reflection. And, everyone has flaws, but we are still all perfect in our own way.

People have short memories; just a year later, my customers claimed it was the best yoga studio with an incredible vibe.

Some individuals cannot change; you don’t have to work with or even be around those who are unhealthy for you. Life is too short to work with “crazy”—if you see red flags, move on quickly instead of trying to “make it work.” 

How did my story end?  Fortunately for me, one of his wealthy customers loaned him her attorneys.  It turns out attorneys don’t like to work with “crazy” either, thus are deal got wrapped up swiftly. Remember that couple who partnered with him in an Indian restaurant? They lost their home because he used a poor attorney that time and it took years to sort out their mess.

A year later—with support from some fantastic staff who stood by me—we turned the business around. It was up over 30% from where it had been before firing him.

I also continue to help clients in similar situations find a clear path to get free from their “crazy” or navigate difficult situations.  As painful as the journey was, it turned out to be very empowering lesson.

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